Parenting - Cultivating A Healthy Home
Teaching Notes
Cultivating Healthy Homes: A Father's Essential Role
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4
There's no way to cultivate healthy homes unless we have men willing to fight for their families. While this might sound like pressure on fathers, the statistics speak for themselves: 85% of children with behavioral disorders, 63% of youth suicides, 71% of high school dropouts, and 72% of adolescent murderers come from fatherless homes.
For those growing up without fathers, there's hope through Christ, supportive family members, and church community. You can rise above statistics and live victoriously. But God's original design included fathers for a reason - children need dads.
What Does God Expect from Fathers?
In Ephesians 6:4, we find clear guidance: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
This verse contains two essential commands for fathers:
A positive instruction to train children in the Lord's ways
A challenging warning not to exasperate children
Let's explore both aspects, starting with the positive responsibilities.
How Can Fathers Train Their Children in the Lord?
Good fathers approach their role with an intentional plan, not haphazardly. Here are four practical ways to apply this biblical instruction:
1. Lead Out on Church
While many men enjoy other activities like golf, hunting, or sleeping in, nothing compares to a father declaring that giving the first part of every week to the Lord is a priority. God blesses families that give their first fruits to Him.
Under no circumstances should a father delegate this responsibility to his wife. Sit down with your family and explain why church attendance matters and what the plan is.
For children, the power of a worship service isn't primarily in the sermon or music - it's seeing their father engaged in his relationship with God. When children observe their dad leaning in with an open Bible or attentive body language, it makes a profound impression.
2. Keep Growing Spiritually
You can't attend church on Sunday and be a jerk the rest of the week. Your family needs to see you in a dynamic (not perfect) relationship with Christ, seeking to become more like Jesus through the Spirit's power.
When you model this journey, it rubs off on your children because spiritual instruction is "more caught than taught." You don't need to know the Bible backward and forward - just authentically live out what you've learned in obedience to Christ.
When you do need to verbally instruct your children, they'll respect what you say because they've seen it lived out. Remember, there's a difference between fifteen years of experience and one year of experience repeated fifteen times.
3. Love Your Wife
Research shows the number one thing children want is to know their parents are undeniably and unashamedly in love with each other. This embeds a sense of security that gives children confidence to fulfill God's calling on their lives.
When you pit your children against your spouse or prioritize your kids above your marriage, you build deep insecurity in them - essentially cutting off their wings. This insecurity follows them when they leave your home.
4. Have Family Dinners
Columbia University research identified one simple practice that significantly reduces the likelihood of children engaging in smoking, drugs, alcohol, or gangs: having dinner as a family five nights a week.
Children get involved in destructive behaviors because they desire to belong. When they know they have a seat at your table - the table they want to belong at - they won't look for belonging in harmful places.
Consider establishing traditions around family meals. Some families always eat in the dining room with the father at the head of the table. When children see a father humble himself in prayer, acknowledging that all blessings come from God, it makes a powerful impact.
What Does It Mean to Exasperate Your Children?
The challenging part of Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to exasperate their children. The word "exasperate" comes from Latin "asper," meaning "to make rough." A father who exasperates is irritating, unreasonable, crushing spirits, and sucking life from his children.
While children can exasperate adults with few long-term consequences, a father who consistently exasperates produces what we now call "daddy issues" - problems children carry long after their father is gone.
Paul suggests men have a greater tendency to exasperate children than women do. Here are three common styles of exasperating fatherhood:
1. The Rider
Good fathers appropriately discipline, challenge, and confront when necessary. A healthy sense of fear between father and child is appropriate - children need fathers, not just another friend.
However, "Riders" cross the line by:
Treating everything as a federal offense (spilled milk becomes punishable by death)
Crushing spirits with unreasonable expectations of perfection
Children of Riders provide minimal information because they fear overreactions. Riders are horrible listeners who need to remember God gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as long as we speak.
2. The Breaker
These fathers are nice guys with good intentions who make promises but don't deliver. Consistently failing to keep promises exasperates children and produces long-term difficulties.
3. The Avoider
Avoiders don't like dealing with problems - either because they're exhausted, distracted, or can't handle conflict. They hope issues will resolve themselves or that mom will handle them.
When fathers avoid necessary conflict, fail to show up with mature solutions, or don't set boundaries in a timely manner, it exasperates the family and makes situations worse. As Francis Bacon said, "He who doesn't apply new remedies must expect new evils."
How Can Fathers Balance Discipline and Encouragement?
One effective approach is the "wicker set vs. ottoman" method:
The "wicker set" represents positive affirmation - calling children to hear praise, celebrating achievements, and publicly acknowledging good behavior
The "ottoman" represents necessary correction - private conversations for discipline and challenges
The ideal ratio? Ten wicker encounters for every ottoman experience. Many fathers have too many ottoman moments and not enough wicker experiences.
The principle is simple: To be challenged by dad, you first need to be blessed by dad.
Sometimes, fathers need to sit on the ottoman themselves - apologizing when they've exasperated their children through avoidance, broken promises, or crushing their spirits. Getting to the ottoman quickly can help erase mistakes.
Life Application
Our journey as fathers begins with receiving blessing from our heavenly Father. God wants to tell you something that perhaps your earthly father failed to communicate. He's inviting you to His "wicker set" to receive affirmation and direction.
This week, consider these questions:
Which exasperating style do I tend toward - Rider, Breaker, or Avoider?
What's my current ratio of wicker set to ottoman experiences with my children?
How can I intentionally lead my family spiritually this week?
What one family dinner tradition could I establish that would strengthen our sense of belonging?
The challenge is clear: Stop passing down generational dysfunction and start fresh. Whether you had a good father model or not, you can break negative cycles and create a healthy home where children thrive under your leadership and love.
Remember, cultivating a healthy home isn't about perfection - it's about intention, consistency, and a willingness to both bless and appropriately challenge your children as you bring them up in the Lord's instruction.
Setlist
WFC Lenexa + WFC Anywhere
House of the Lord - Phil Wickam
I Know A Name - Brandon Lake
No One Like The Lord - Bethel Music/Jenn Johnson The Blessing - Cody Carnes/Kari Jobe
WFC Speedway
Faith and Wonder - Meredith Andrews
Firm Foundation- Cody Carnes
The Blessing - Cody Carnes/Kari Jobe
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